Sometimes I yell at referees when I'm playing soccer. Usually it's just yelling about a bad call, and then getting on with the game. But I'll be the first person to admit that on occasion, I've spent an entire game yelling at a referee for his sub-standard performance. What I've learned from these bouts of yelling is that it gets you nowhere. And if the same referee officiates one of your games in the future, you are even less likely to get favorable calls from him. Too bad I still yell at him. Which leads me to a discussion of the Sounder Dean of Douchebaggery, Freddie Ljungberg.
Freddie spent large portions of last year doing this - yelling at referees. Granted, none of us believes that the referees in MLS are consistently good. I'm sure that Freddie is used to much better refs from his earlier playing days, and containing his rage is not easy. But I wonder just how productive it is for Freddie, and the rest of his teammates, when he spends all 90 minutes telling the man in yellow exactly how he's screwing up. Too many MLS refs seem like the types to hold grudges. I know that if somebody came into my office and told me how I was screwing up, I would poop on the hood of their car ("What was that? I'm fired? Because I pooped on my boss's car? What's wrong with that?"). Turns out the Coach thinks he spends too much time yelling at refs too. But Freddie doesn't agree - he considers it a show of passion. He might be right. Appearances would suggest that Freddie is the most passionate man in MLS, but internationally, he's got some competition.
My personal favorite is Wayne Rooney. This is a man who gets his money's worth when he's yelling at referees. This picture doesn't do him justice. He's way too restrained. Last year, while playing at Fulham, ManU finally got a call to go their way in a game they were losing late, and Big Wayne picked up the ball and threw it at the referee as hard as he could. Fortunately for the referee, Wayne's aim was off and he instead hit his teammate. But he earned himself a red card anyway. If only he'd hit the ref.
Then there's Cristiano Ronaldo. I personally like Ronaldo because of his ability to display inner anguish. I've never seen a man who looks more likely to cry when a referee fails to give him a call. And when he pleads and begs for the referee to issue a card to the player who fouled him, Ronaldo literally looks as if he could burst into tears at any moment. By now you've probably realized that this post is just an excuse to post amusing pictures of players I generally don't like. But how can you resist this picture? Classic stuff. If this were basketball, Michael Jordan would take this as a sign of Ronaldo's incredible passion for the game and waste a lottery pick on him. We all knew Adam Morrison would suck in the NBA. Why couldn't Jordan figure it out?
The greatest single performance of yelling at a referee that I've ever seen? Michael Ballack in the Champions League a few years back. Somebody shoots in second half stoppage time, defender jumps to block the shot, and the ball strikes his arm. Maybe it's a handball, maybe not. But the ref doesn't give it. Ballack goes crazy because Chelsea needs a goal to draw level. He runs with the ref for 70 yards, screaming in his ear, bumping him for good measure. This was a personally satisfying event for me because Nathan roots for Chelsea, and I like to see them lose. Nathan of course sided with Ballack.
What's the takeaway? Apparently Freddie Ljungberg will continue to complain. And that would be okay, if he scored as many goals as Ronaldo or Rooney, or controlled a game from midfield the way Ballack could two years ago. Unfortunately, he doesn't do any of those things. And we'll have to suffer through his constant whining until he leaves, retires, or loses his passion for the game. It looks to me like he's rubbing off on Zakuani as well, which means we have at least four years of this crap to look forward to.
First, if anybody is curious why Columbus has won the Supporter's Shield for the last two years (best record during the regular season), they only need to look to one man - Steven Lenhart. He is their not so secret weapon. What does he bring to the table? He's a superhero. That's what. In fact, he's the Greatest American Hero. Call this my version of hard-hitting investigative journalism. Look at these pictures. Can you honestly say that it's not the same person? I think this is just a bad job of trying to hide your identity. He could at least get a mask or something to cover his eyes, like Robin does. This is just ridiculous. It would have been too obvious had he signed with a team like Toronto that wore red. And if that team also wore capes? The tactical approach to a guy like this is simple - force him to land in small spaces. The Greatest American Hero always struggled to land. Don't give him wide open spaces to land in, and he'll spend the entire game crashing. Columbus will not score. Problem solved.
It didn't take long to figure out who Eddie Gaven really is. Beaky Buzzard. He did a poor job of trying to disguise himself. Unlike our previous two players, I have a good idea of why Beaky Buzzard is in hiding. Turns out that Beaky was running an underage escort service out of France. The operation never had any problems because it's customers were powerful men: Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac, Silvio Berlusconi, and Tony Danza. Those were just the ones everybody knew about. Several others were rumored to be involved: Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Mr. Rogers, even Bob Ross. But Beaky saw the leak in the hull before the ship started sinking. He started his second career many years ago, and sold off his interest in the escort service. Unfortunately, Beaky has lost a lot of weight. Apparently, there is a lot of stress involved with hiding your identity. 
