Kansas City Wizards Preview

"I was trying to smile but it was the smile of desolution. Inside, I felt only the pity and the terror and the waste of it all. Everyone I had ever loved, and who ever loved me - all gone... all gone down..."
                Sam Neill as Merlin in "Merlin" - an Epic 2-Part Made for TV Movie from 1998

This Saturday's game brings Kansas City to Seattle to face our beloved Sounders. Last year, this game was a laugher. Seattle was poised to win by 2 or 3 goals. Let's face it. Any team that depends on Josh Wolff (the second F is silent) to score its goals is doomed to fail. Then Kasey Keller got a red card, and Seattle played 65 minutes with 10 men, and ended up losing on a great shot by Davy Arnoud. Talk about bummers.


We play KC the same time this year as last year, on Matchday 4, and we get them at home again. But this time around, KC rolls into Seattle having won their first 2 games, scoring 5 goals, and conceding none. KC is arguably on a hot streak. Both those victories came at home, and 4 of those goals came against DC United, who couldn't score on Aurora right now. So what should we expect from KC?

Honestly? Who the hell knows. It looks like KC has several new faces, and apparently is playing a more attacking brand of soccer. But teams that come to Qwest tend to pack it in and look for counter-attacking opportunities. Maybe KC's new Bollywood sensation Sunil Chhetri will play significant minutes and show why everybody on the sub-continent is excited about his MLS regular season debut.


Ultimately, I hope these Wizards feel a lot like The Wizard, Merlin, when the game is over. I want them to feel like everybody they've ever known and loved is gone. I want Sounders to take the game by the scrote from the start and put in a few goals in the first half. That way, the second half can be a party in the stands. I predict a 2-0 Sounder victory, with both goals coming in the 1st half. And let's be honest, you're never going to see me predict a Sounder loss on here.

In other news. B Els is having a baby shower on Saturday evening after the game. As of this moment, 41 people have RSVP'd. 41 people! If he took his baby shower to an FC Dallas game, it would instantly double attendance! If he went to a Chivas home game, they would thank him for the patronage with a pinata and a few chili peppers to induce labor! But I digress. Let's all take a moment to congratulate B Els for his impending fatherhood, and make sure he knows that no matter what happens, he can always bring his infant child to the tailgate if he can't find a babysitter. We love you B!

RSL Post Game Review

Luis was MIA for the pre game and did not respond to my texts all day. I'm guessing he is in Guatamala trying to convince Carlos Ruiz to sign for us. Until he gets back and watches the game on DVR, you will have to rely on my drunken angry analysis.

First off, I'll pat my own back for calling our counter attack goal. Sadly, my Natestrodamus skills end there.

In the 11th minute Montero did well to play Zakuani in on goal from about forty yards out. His goal wasn't exactly clinical, but I will gladly accept any goals Sounders can get.

Luis jinxed Brad Evans by praising his performances so far. He was directly responsible for RSL's first goal by failing to follow his man on a cross. The result was an uncontested header within the six yard box which was scored.

RSL controlled most of the game, until Sounders regained the lead off of a Tyrone Marshall header in the 70th minute. With our defense, that should have been enough to win the game.

I don't remember too much of the last twenty minutes of the game beyond the fact that RSL dominated posession. Already angry at our performance, I got distracted by an arguement about national health care. Not that there is anything wrong with Sweden, but I would much rather live in the good old USA. I also remember us giving up another open header for Real Sandy to tie it up. Why Sigi didn't put someone on both goal posts is beyond me. When Liverpool doesn't protect the posts its hilarious, when Seattle doesn't, it is infuriating.

A draw on the road against the MLS Champions sounds good on paper, but at the end of the day, this is a game we could have had. We'll take the point, and hopefully we will improve our defense on set pieces.

RSL PREVIEW

OK, so Luis and I need to get the routine down a little better. Here is a last second look at what we should expect today.

RSL are the reigning MLS Champions, and this will be their first home game of the season. They will be receiving their fancy rings in front of a big crowd who are eager to welcome them back.

In their first game of the season they beat the crap out of San Jose on the road. That's not saying much, the Earthquakes are shite. They went on to play Houston, took the lead, then gave up two penalties in the span of two minutes to lose 2-1. Overall, they played a much better game than the Dynamo.

What can we expect from them? A ton of confidence and a lot of attacking ability.

What can we expect from the Sounders? A ton of defense and a lot of questions in attack. Pat Noonan will likely get his first start. With all the offense RSL generates we have a good shot of getting a goal on the counter attack.

Sooner or later Sounders will get their break out scoring game. Let's hope its today.

Prediction, 3-1 Sounders

Nub's Nuggets

As a brief introduction, I am an old friend of Luis's and an old nemesis of Nate's from the early formative years of our lives. I also stand next to them at Qwest every match (well, I tend to miss some matches due to various reasons) as a season ticket holder.

Let me give you a quick synopsis of my soccer experience. At age six, I played soccer for College Place (sounds professional I know) in the Edmonds area, but only actually played on the field because my dad was the coach. He liked to yell at refs and get thrown out of games which proved to be of no help whatsoever. By the age of 11, I retired from soccer. Or so I thought. I returned as a 14 year old to help the Villa/OLL combined supersquad take CYO glory only to be foiled by good players leaving our team to go play with better teams. I never understood and never forgave those players, especially Luis. Lastly, I scored a goal and had an assist in a P.E. championship match at Lower Woodland in high school. As you can see, I am quite an eficianado.

Luis asked me to write occasionally on his blog with seven readers so I decided to puruse the Sounders website for something to start me off. That is where I found Nub's Nuggets. Phenomenol stuff. Cliff McCrath, along with the ageless wonder known as Tony Ventrella, break down the week that is Sounders between games. While Cliff McCrath received a Golden Scarf (not to be confused with showers), won 597 matches and 5 championships as a coach, his nuggets of knowledge do not amaze me. Let's start with the quote of the week: "There is no devine right to scoring". Yes, soundersfc.com spelling divine wrong. Nice work. You had one quote to get right all week long and you blew it. Kind of like Freddie Ljungberg in the box. That's what she said. I digress.

The real nuggets involved these two tips for the Sounders this week. #1 - cross the ball so the keeper does not catch it. Incredible stuff. #2 - more precise passing, as in complete passes. Wow. I feel like we received some real wisdom here.

So as you all (the seven of you) prepare for this week's match with the Real Salt Lake Douchecopters, look for the Sounders to try and complete more passes and cross the ball better. This may lead to scoring. Amazing.

New and Improved Red Bull ANALysis

Before I get started - a tip. Do not, under any circumstance, google search James Riley without having Google filter out the adult content.


I watched the game again last night, and I have more complete opinions now. James Riley was AWFUL. He gave up possession on bad passes no less than 20 times, and on most of those passes he wasn't under any pressure. I'm going to chalk it up to his suspension and it being his first game of the season. Also, I think he was hurt some in training camp. That would explain why he doesn't seem to be in shape yet. He was not his usual exuberant self. So I think he's going to improve over the next few games, and by the time May rolls around, I won't have to single him out as somebody who played poorly.

Our boy Chewy also played poorly. Here's what I saw - a guy who just doesn't understand the game the same way everybody else does. His passes are a second too late, his touch is bad, and he doesn't really add anything to the attack or the defense. I'm going to stand by my opinion that Levesque is not a starter under any circumstance. He's probably okay coming off the bench because then everybody is tired and too slow to punish his bad decisions. But he shouldn't start again. Pat Noonan made a big difference when he came on. He made the right side of the field useful. He was able to hold possession, he made several smart passes, and if Montero had passed him the ball in the 75th minute when he was standing alone in front of goal, Noonan probably would have scored in his debut. But Montero hogged it, shot while falling backwards, and a defender easily blocked it.


Who played well? Alonso played well. He was all over the field and was involved in just about everything. Until late in the game, his passing was smart and effective. Zakuani also played well, and was probably about 6 inches from scoring on two of his shots.

Ultimately, nobody is surprised to see us struggle to score in this game. Finishing plagued us before and there's no reason that it won't plague us this year - albeit hopefully it is less of an issue. I think the biggest mistake in this game, however, was made by Sigi Schmid when he chose to start Levesque (sorry Sigi, acting like you didn't know he was bad isn't an excuse).


I hope that next week's game sees a lineup in which Noonan starts on the wing or up front with Montero. I think Ljungberg is most effective on the outside when he can operate in space - which is, incidentally, where he's played his entire life before coming to Seattle.


Also, a guarded apology on my part. I've ripped Brad Evans on countless occasions for his inability to know what's going on beyond what is right in front of him. In the first two games of the season, he has played MUCH better. His trapping and passing have been noticeably better, and his field awareness is much improved. Kudos to Brad Evans. Keep proving me wrong, big guy.

Angry Nate's Tale on the Game (2nd attempt)

Damn it Chewie!!! GROW YOUR HAIR BACK!!!!!!! Sampson's strength was in his curls, yours was in your creepy pirate style facial hair. Your nickname is Chewie, as in Chewbacca, you idiot. Enjoy your time on the bench until it all grows back. Until then you are Blewbacca. (analysis, he played REEEAAALLLY bad)

OUR STRIKERS ARE MIDGETS!!! Quit chipping the ball to their heads. Our current squad is built around speed and passing it on the ground. MLS defenders are known for their size. Until Jaqua gets back and Kufo arrives an arial game won't be affective.

On the bright side, Noonan had a good game. He was well received by the fans (including the Noonan I brought with me), and seemed to link up well with Lhungeberg. Expect him to start over Blewie this week.

Other good news, our defense played well defensively. (poorly on attack. I'm lookin' at you Riley)Holding the 1-0 scoreline gave a chance to salvage a point, we just didn't take advantage.

Even more good news, we know what the problem is, and we fixed it. We just have to be patient. Noonan should help provide goals until our big ticket striker gets here from Holland. Blaise Kufo, which is Swahili for MLS Champion, will arrive in Seattle after World Cup. His team Twente Enschede is in first place, and he just scored another goal on Saturday.

Posting and Commenting Advice

Perhaps the most irritating thing in the history of the internet is writing a big well thought out insightful awesome post/comment, only to hit submit and find out you haven't signed in. That just happened to me for the third time as i submitted my post about the NY game. So a word of advice, copy what you post/comment before you submit it. Damn thats annoying.

Red Bull Review

Shit. Frustrating game. Not much else to say. At least the tailgate went well. Stupid Bouna and Kandji.

Red Bulls Preview

"No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet."


Danny Donahue - Role Models


"She let me keep it after I fucked her."


Wheeler - Role Models


Did you know that after last week's game, the organization that reviews performances by referees determined that our refs made a bad off-sides call, and robbed Nyassi of a goal? Do you know what else they robbed us of? Free haircuts. Yes. 3 goals = free haircuts. That ref owes me one haircut. And a rinse, because I don't want to go home and shower afterwards. Do your job. Ass.


I don't know what to make of NYRB. They looked decent in their opener beating Chicago 1-0, but it's hard to gauge what they will really be like from that one game. First game in a new stadium, under a new coach, and on a grass surface that is a 6522% improvement over the Meadowlands turf where they used to play. So was their performance the result of a renewed sense of optimism? Or was it the result of an improved squad?


Who really knows. Here's what I do know. I love donuts. I love bacon. I love guacamole. And NYRB won't be as easy to beat as they were in last year's opener, when SSFC embarrassed NYRB 3-0 without the services of Freddie Ljungberg. Oh, and NYRB has a new goalie - they no longer have Danny "Pizza Face" Cepero in the net.


Two big differences for NYRB. First, they have a new coach who seems to actually know how to coach. That alone should make them more difficult to score on. Second, they have a new player from Estonia who seems to be a good player - Joel Lindpere. That name doesn't seem very Estonian to me - that name sounds Swiss to me. Did you know that in 2000, the country of Luxembourg drank more liters of beer per person than any other country in the world? Amazing.


Back to the point. I don't really know how this game is going to play out. But if Freddie Ljungberg can play, I think SSFC will control possession. Whether they generate and finish scoring chances is the big question. 


I am pessimistic about most things in my life, but not about the Sounders. So I'll go with a scoreline of 2-1, with Zakuani scoring the second goal.


Now on to important matters. Saturday's tailgate looks to be interesting. Weather looks terrible. We'll be under the loud-as-hell viaduct again, but maybe we'll actually stay dry that way. I can't wait until we actually get to tailgate in the sunshine.

More DPs on the Way - Who Do You Want Now

I'll take the chance that this isn't just an April Fool's joke, and post that MLS has decided to allow team to sign up to three Designated Players. Seattle will probably make use of this new rule to bring in another big name player. And I know who I want. Juan Roman Riquelme.


Don't let the sexually suggestive photograph fool you, this guy is still interested in playing soccer. Riquelme is a big guy who plays as an attacking central midfielder and can create as well as maintain possession. Get Brad Evans out of the lineup and put Riquelme in. 


This new development takes me one step closer to being right about NYRB signing Thierry Henry once the World Cup is over. With another DP slot, NYRB can bring in Henry and not worry about having to convince Henry to accept a huge pay cut to fit under the salary cap.