Sorry for my absence

So work has taken control of my life, and the little spare time I've had for soccer has been dominated by the EPL title race. Chelsea play Liverpool on Sunday and Wigan the following week. If they win out the are the Champions, otherwise it's another title for Man-chowder United.

The Sounders are playing exactly how I predicted at the begining of the season. Our lack of goals keeps teams in games, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, sometimes we draw. We all just need to cross our collective fingers and hope we're in a good position by July. The season doesn't truely begin until Kufo gets here.

So what will happen tomorrow against the Crew? I have no freakin idea, but of course I'll be in the stands yelling my head off.

May 1st - Columbus Crew

I haven't seen Columbus play this year, and I can't stand to think anymore about the way Seattle plays. So I'm going to focus today's post about Columbus on things that are only partially related to soccer.

First, if anybody is curious why Columbus has won the Supporter's Shield for the last two years (best record during the regular season), they only need to look to one man - Steven Lenhart. He is their not so secret weapon. What does he bring to the table? He's a superhero. That's what. In fact, he's the Greatest American Hero. Call this my version of hard-hitting investigative journalism. Look at these pictures. Can you honestly say that it's not the same person? I think this is just a bad job of trying to hide your identity. He could at least get a mask or something to cover his eyes, like Robin does. This is just ridiculous. It would have been too obvious had he signed with a team like Toronto that wore red. And if that team also wore capes? The tactical approach to a guy like this is simple - force him to land in small spaces. The Greatest American Hero always struggled to land. Don't give him wide open spaces to land in, and he'll spend the entire game crashing. Columbus will not score. Problem solved.

Another guy on this team is apparently trying to hide his identity, Frankie Hejduk. I can't think of a reason for Jeff Spicoli to try and conceal his true identity, but I think he's done a better job than the GAH. Take a look at these pictures. My guess is that Spicoli had a little bit of work done. Enough to make you doubt that it's him, but still enough of his original face for his mother to recognize him. If I had to guess, I would suggest that Spicoli got in trouble selling drugs. I guess playing soccer is a good way to hide yourself in this country, since outside of a few members of the media, nobody will know who the hell he is. If the rumors are correct, Spicoli first tried hiding in the NBA. He thought that playing in a league where everybody sold and used drugs would keep him anonymous. Unfortunately, and somehow defying explanation, the NBA still has fans. And some of them knew who he was. Hence the switch to soccer.

It didn't take long to figure out who Eddie Gaven really is. Beaky Buzzard. He did a poor job of trying to disguise himself. Unlike our previous two players, I have a good idea of why Beaky Buzzard is in hiding. Turns out that Beaky was running an underage escort service out of France. The operation never had any problems because it's customers were powerful men: Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac, Silvio Berlusconi, and Tony Danza. Those were just the ones everybody knew about. Several others were rumored to be involved: Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Mr. Rogers, even Bob Ross. But Beaky saw the leak in the hull before the ship started sinking. He started his second career many years ago, and sold off his interest in the escort service. Unfortunately, Beaky has lost a lot of weight.  Apparently, there is a lot of stress involved with hiding your identity. 

There is a simple lesson from all this about how we should feel about the Columbus Crew. I believe Jeff Spicoli said it best, when he said, "Those guys are fags!" 

What the Hell is going on?

I can't handle this anymore. Maybe I expect too much from the Sounders, but I can't handle taking 1 point from a possible 6 when playing on the road against two crappy teams. Bad penalties, bad turnovers, bad finishing, bad passing.... I can't handle it anymore.  I need a two day break from posting anything about soccer, or else I'm going to just rip players for no reason.

I will say that given the weather in yesterday's game, I'm happy that I decided not to travel to Toronto as an away game. Vindicates my concerns about going to the north pole during winter.

FC Dallas Preview

"Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?"
  Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - Full Metal Jacket


So, tonight SSFC takes on FC Dallas. A team that sucked until Jeff Cunningham caught fire in the second half of the season after Kenny Cooper got sold. If Cunningham scores, Dallas is okay. When he doesn't score, they lose. If this were a good blog, I would have statistics to back that up. But that requires time and energy. And this isn't a good blog. Suffice to say that if SSFC can keep Cunningham from running wild, they should be in position to win the game.


Let's be fair about one thing. FC Dallas has a big steer on it's logo. Which means that the players can only really be one thing. Golf ball through a garden hose, something along those lines.


There really isn't anything about Dallas that scares me. I think Hurtado and others should be able to deliver a shut-out. This game hinges on our ability to create and finish chances. From watching the Sounders FC game preview, I know that Arlo White thinks that Dallas pushes lots of guys into the attack. If that's true, we should be able to generate a number of counter-attack opportunities. Against RSL, we put one away. Tonight, I want to see two counter-attack goals.


My prediction is that tonight's key players are Zakuani and Ljungberg. I think both will score goals. I also think that SSFC may have more possession of the ball than they did against RSL. 


I'm picking with my heart and not my brain here, but the final score will be 3-1. SSFC will give up a goal late in the 2nd half because they aren't concentrating.

Sounders 3rd Jerseys Released

Tactically this makes sense. Edgar Davids is the only player I know of who is permitted to wear sunglasses on the field. The Opposition will be blinded, while all our players have to do is kick it at the brightness. Expect our passing percentage to increase at least 20%.

Yes they are obnoxious, but they're ours. Just like Barfalona fans defend their hideous PINK jerseys, we should do the same. Chelsea's third jersey has black and blue horizontal stripes, Wigan's is neon yellow with black. Shocking 3rd jerseys are a soccer tradition.

Final thought, 20 years from now you will be considered cool and old school if you have one of these.

You'll Fit Right In

CHUCKIE: Casey's bouncin' at a bar up at Harvard. We should go there sometime.
WILL: What are we gonna do up there?
CHUCKIE: I don't know, we'll f**k up some smaht kids. You'd prob'ly fit right in.

And so begins the career of one Michael Fucito.

Maybe for the first time in his life, Michael Fucito gets to take all those equations on the walls of the bars at Harvard and channel them into a glorious moment. No longer can the kids from Southie try to mess with him. Even Will Hunting can’t match the big balls on Michael Fucito.

After 90 minutes of rock solid defense, especially from the back four, the Sounders faced the ultimate disappointment. The ultimate tease. The ultimate side hug. A potential 0-0 tie.

Steve Zakuani failed to do much of anything. Apparently actually running simply tires him out, so he stops after about 20 minutes or so. Meanwhile underwear model Freddie Ljunberg decided to play like garbage as he repeatedly trapped like a Trapper Keeper without Velcro. Which means there wasn’t much trapping my friends.

The best chance of the match inevitably was called back by a horrific referee (despite the accuracy of this particular call) for cheating (offsides). I find that if you don’t cheat, you tend to not get called for it. Just a thought.

Oh you know what? I don’t miss Nate Jaqua. Just wanted you to know that I don’t miss giant players who can’t head the ball and have no ability at their feet in spite of our inability to score last game. He can live on an island with Josh Wolff for the rest of his life for all I care.

Which leads me to Josh Wolff.

I don’t really have a reason to hate him per se. Yet I somehow do actually despise him. It could be the fact that when he was a hot young striker, this Spanish announcer would say, “Josh WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLFFFFFFFF” in hilarious fashion. Somehow that stuck with me and then Josh Wolff didn’t live up to my early expectations. So I learned to hate him. I tried to mock him with a National Team jersey as in he would never see it again, but I just couldn’t be heard over the Sounder faithful. It was just too difficult. Hey, I am just like Steve Zakuani. Awesome.

And all this occurred during the Sounder 0-0 staring contest through 90 minutes.

Until….

Henry Lipkin: Now, no more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.

Michael Fucito! WTF.

http://www.mlssoccer.com/content/fucito-scores-stoppage-time-winner-seattle

Kansas City Wizards Preview

"I was trying to smile but it was the smile of desolution. Inside, I felt only the pity and the terror and the waste of it all. Everyone I had ever loved, and who ever loved me - all gone... all gone down..."
                Sam Neill as Merlin in "Merlin" - an Epic 2-Part Made for TV Movie from 1998

This Saturday's game brings Kansas City to Seattle to face our beloved Sounders. Last year, this game was a laugher. Seattle was poised to win by 2 or 3 goals. Let's face it. Any team that depends on Josh Wolff (the second F is silent) to score its goals is doomed to fail. Then Kasey Keller got a red card, and Seattle played 65 minutes with 10 men, and ended up losing on a great shot by Davy Arnoud. Talk about bummers.


We play KC the same time this year as last year, on Matchday 4, and we get them at home again. But this time around, KC rolls into Seattle having won their first 2 games, scoring 5 goals, and conceding none. KC is arguably on a hot streak. Both those victories came at home, and 4 of those goals came against DC United, who couldn't score on Aurora right now. So what should we expect from KC?

Honestly? Who the hell knows. It looks like KC has several new faces, and apparently is playing a more attacking brand of soccer. But teams that come to Qwest tend to pack it in and look for counter-attacking opportunities. Maybe KC's new Bollywood sensation Sunil Chhetri will play significant minutes and show why everybody on the sub-continent is excited about his MLS regular season debut.


Ultimately, I hope these Wizards feel a lot like The Wizard, Merlin, when the game is over. I want them to feel like everybody they've ever known and loved is gone. I want Sounders to take the game by the scrote from the start and put in a few goals in the first half. That way, the second half can be a party in the stands. I predict a 2-0 Sounder victory, with both goals coming in the 1st half. And let's be honest, you're never going to see me predict a Sounder loss on here.

In other news. B Els is having a baby shower on Saturday evening after the game. As of this moment, 41 people have RSVP'd. 41 people! If he took his baby shower to an FC Dallas game, it would instantly double attendance! If he went to a Chivas home game, they would thank him for the patronage with a pinata and a few chili peppers to induce labor! But I digress. Let's all take a moment to congratulate B Els for his impending fatherhood, and make sure he knows that no matter what happens, he can always bring his infant child to the tailgate if he can't find a babysitter. We love you B!

RSL Post Game Review

Luis was MIA for the pre game and did not respond to my texts all day. I'm guessing he is in Guatamala trying to convince Carlos Ruiz to sign for us. Until he gets back and watches the game on DVR, you will have to rely on my drunken angry analysis.

First off, I'll pat my own back for calling our counter attack goal. Sadly, my Natestrodamus skills end there.

In the 11th minute Montero did well to play Zakuani in on goal from about forty yards out. His goal wasn't exactly clinical, but I will gladly accept any goals Sounders can get.

Luis jinxed Brad Evans by praising his performances so far. He was directly responsible for RSL's first goal by failing to follow his man on a cross. The result was an uncontested header within the six yard box which was scored.

RSL controlled most of the game, until Sounders regained the lead off of a Tyrone Marshall header in the 70th minute. With our defense, that should have been enough to win the game.

I don't remember too much of the last twenty minutes of the game beyond the fact that RSL dominated posession. Already angry at our performance, I got distracted by an arguement about national health care. Not that there is anything wrong with Sweden, but I would much rather live in the good old USA. I also remember us giving up another open header for Real Sandy to tie it up. Why Sigi didn't put someone on both goal posts is beyond me. When Liverpool doesn't protect the posts its hilarious, when Seattle doesn't, it is infuriating.

A draw on the road against the MLS Champions sounds good on paper, but at the end of the day, this is a game we could have had. We'll take the point, and hopefully we will improve our defense on set pieces.

RSL PREVIEW

OK, so Luis and I need to get the routine down a little better. Here is a last second look at what we should expect today.

RSL are the reigning MLS Champions, and this will be their first home game of the season. They will be receiving their fancy rings in front of a big crowd who are eager to welcome them back.

In their first game of the season they beat the crap out of San Jose on the road. That's not saying much, the Earthquakes are shite. They went on to play Houston, took the lead, then gave up two penalties in the span of two minutes to lose 2-1. Overall, they played a much better game than the Dynamo.

What can we expect from them? A ton of confidence and a lot of attacking ability.

What can we expect from the Sounders? A ton of defense and a lot of questions in attack. Pat Noonan will likely get his first start. With all the offense RSL generates we have a good shot of getting a goal on the counter attack.

Sooner or later Sounders will get their break out scoring game. Let's hope its today.

Prediction, 3-1 Sounders

Nub's Nuggets

As a brief introduction, I am an old friend of Luis's and an old nemesis of Nate's from the early formative years of our lives. I also stand next to them at Qwest every match (well, I tend to miss some matches due to various reasons) as a season ticket holder.

Let me give you a quick synopsis of my soccer experience. At age six, I played soccer for College Place (sounds professional I know) in the Edmonds area, but only actually played on the field because my dad was the coach. He liked to yell at refs and get thrown out of games which proved to be of no help whatsoever. By the age of 11, I retired from soccer. Or so I thought. I returned as a 14 year old to help the Villa/OLL combined supersquad take CYO glory only to be foiled by good players leaving our team to go play with better teams. I never understood and never forgave those players, especially Luis. Lastly, I scored a goal and had an assist in a P.E. championship match at Lower Woodland in high school. As you can see, I am quite an eficianado.

Luis asked me to write occasionally on his blog with seven readers so I decided to puruse the Sounders website for something to start me off. That is where I found Nub's Nuggets. Phenomenol stuff. Cliff McCrath, along with the ageless wonder known as Tony Ventrella, break down the week that is Sounders between games. While Cliff McCrath received a Golden Scarf (not to be confused with showers), won 597 matches and 5 championships as a coach, his nuggets of knowledge do not amaze me. Let's start with the quote of the week: "There is no devine right to scoring". Yes, soundersfc.com spelling divine wrong. Nice work. You had one quote to get right all week long and you blew it. Kind of like Freddie Ljungberg in the box. That's what she said. I digress.

The real nuggets involved these two tips for the Sounders this week. #1 - cross the ball so the keeper does not catch it. Incredible stuff. #2 - more precise passing, as in complete passes. Wow. I feel like we received some real wisdom here.

So as you all (the seven of you) prepare for this week's match with the Real Salt Lake Douchecopters, look for the Sounders to try and complete more passes and cross the ball better. This may lead to scoring. Amazing.

New and Improved Red Bull ANALysis

Before I get started - a tip. Do not, under any circumstance, google search James Riley without having Google filter out the adult content.


I watched the game again last night, and I have more complete opinions now. James Riley was AWFUL. He gave up possession on bad passes no less than 20 times, and on most of those passes he wasn't under any pressure. I'm going to chalk it up to his suspension and it being his first game of the season. Also, I think he was hurt some in training camp. That would explain why he doesn't seem to be in shape yet. He was not his usual exuberant self. So I think he's going to improve over the next few games, and by the time May rolls around, I won't have to single him out as somebody who played poorly.

Our boy Chewy also played poorly. Here's what I saw - a guy who just doesn't understand the game the same way everybody else does. His passes are a second too late, his touch is bad, and he doesn't really add anything to the attack or the defense. I'm going to stand by my opinion that Levesque is not a starter under any circumstance. He's probably okay coming off the bench because then everybody is tired and too slow to punish his bad decisions. But he shouldn't start again. Pat Noonan made a big difference when he came on. He made the right side of the field useful. He was able to hold possession, he made several smart passes, and if Montero had passed him the ball in the 75th minute when he was standing alone in front of goal, Noonan probably would have scored in his debut. But Montero hogged it, shot while falling backwards, and a defender easily blocked it.


Who played well? Alonso played well. He was all over the field and was involved in just about everything. Until late in the game, his passing was smart and effective. Zakuani also played well, and was probably about 6 inches from scoring on two of his shots.

Ultimately, nobody is surprised to see us struggle to score in this game. Finishing plagued us before and there's no reason that it won't plague us this year - albeit hopefully it is less of an issue. I think the biggest mistake in this game, however, was made by Sigi Schmid when he chose to start Levesque (sorry Sigi, acting like you didn't know he was bad isn't an excuse).


I hope that next week's game sees a lineup in which Noonan starts on the wing or up front with Montero. I think Ljungberg is most effective on the outside when he can operate in space - which is, incidentally, where he's played his entire life before coming to Seattle.


Also, a guarded apology on my part. I've ripped Brad Evans on countless occasions for his inability to know what's going on beyond what is right in front of him. In the first two games of the season, he has played MUCH better. His trapping and passing have been noticeably better, and his field awareness is much improved. Kudos to Brad Evans. Keep proving me wrong, big guy.

Angry Nate's Tale on the Game (2nd attempt)

Damn it Chewie!!! GROW YOUR HAIR BACK!!!!!!! Sampson's strength was in his curls, yours was in your creepy pirate style facial hair. Your nickname is Chewie, as in Chewbacca, you idiot. Enjoy your time on the bench until it all grows back. Until then you are Blewbacca. (analysis, he played REEEAAALLLY bad)

OUR STRIKERS ARE MIDGETS!!! Quit chipping the ball to their heads. Our current squad is built around speed and passing it on the ground. MLS defenders are known for their size. Until Jaqua gets back and Kufo arrives an arial game won't be affective.

On the bright side, Noonan had a good game. He was well received by the fans (including the Noonan I brought with me), and seemed to link up well with Lhungeberg. Expect him to start over Blewie this week.

Other good news, our defense played well defensively. (poorly on attack. I'm lookin' at you Riley)Holding the 1-0 scoreline gave a chance to salvage a point, we just didn't take advantage.

Even more good news, we know what the problem is, and we fixed it. We just have to be patient. Noonan should help provide goals until our big ticket striker gets here from Holland. Blaise Kufo, which is Swahili for MLS Champion, will arrive in Seattle after World Cup. His team Twente Enschede is in first place, and he just scored another goal on Saturday.

Posting and Commenting Advice

Perhaps the most irritating thing in the history of the internet is writing a big well thought out insightful awesome post/comment, only to hit submit and find out you haven't signed in. That just happened to me for the third time as i submitted my post about the NY game. So a word of advice, copy what you post/comment before you submit it. Damn thats annoying.

Red Bull Review

Shit. Frustrating game. Not much else to say. At least the tailgate went well. Stupid Bouna and Kandji.

Red Bulls Preview

"No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet."


Danny Donahue - Role Models


"She let me keep it after I fucked her."


Wheeler - Role Models


Did you know that after last week's game, the organization that reviews performances by referees determined that our refs made a bad off-sides call, and robbed Nyassi of a goal? Do you know what else they robbed us of? Free haircuts. Yes. 3 goals = free haircuts. That ref owes me one haircut. And a rinse, because I don't want to go home and shower afterwards. Do your job. Ass.


I don't know what to make of NYRB. They looked decent in their opener beating Chicago 1-0, but it's hard to gauge what they will really be like from that one game. First game in a new stadium, under a new coach, and on a grass surface that is a 6522% improvement over the Meadowlands turf where they used to play. So was their performance the result of a renewed sense of optimism? Or was it the result of an improved squad?


Who really knows. Here's what I do know. I love donuts. I love bacon. I love guacamole. And NYRB won't be as easy to beat as they were in last year's opener, when SSFC embarrassed NYRB 3-0 without the services of Freddie Ljungberg. Oh, and NYRB has a new goalie - they no longer have Danny "Pizza Face" Cepero in the net.


Two big differences for NYRB. First, they have a new coach who seems to actually know how to coach. That alone should make them more difficult to score on. Second, they have a new player from Estonia who seems to be a good player - Joel Lindpere. That name doesn't seem very Estonian to me - that name sounds Swiss to me. Did you know that in 2000, the country of Luxembourg drank more liters of beer per person than any other country in the world? Amazing.


Back to the point. I don't really know how this game is going to play out. But if Freddie Ljungberg can play, I think SSFC will control possession. Whether they generate and finish scoring chances is the big question. 


I am pessimistic about most things in my life, but not about the Sounders. So I'll go with a scoreline of 2-1, with Zakuani scoring the second goal.


Now on to important matters. Saturday's tailgate looks to be interesting. Weather looks terrible. We'll be under the loud-as-hell viaduct again, but maybe we'll actually stay dry that way. I can't wait until we actually get to tailgate in the sunshine.

More DPs on the Way - Who Do You Want Now

I'll take the chance that this isn't just an April Fool's joke, and post that MLS has decided to allow team to sign up to three Designated Players. Seattle will probably make use of this new rule to bring in another big name player. And I know who I want. Juan Roman Riquelme.


Don't let the sexually suggestive photograph fool you, this guy is still interested in playing soccer. Riquelme is a big guy who plays as an attacking central midfielder and can create as well as maintain possession. Get Brad Evans out of the lineup and put Riquelme in. 


This new development takes me one step closer to being right about NYRB signing Thierry Henry once the World Cup is over. With another DP slot, NYRB can bring in Henry and not worry about having to convince Henry to accept a huge pay cut to fit under the salary cap.