I know what you're all thinking...

Since DomiNate and TheNatrix have not brought us a win, why not combine the two powerhouse nicknames to form TheDomiNatrix? Well, keep dreamin. It's the summer and its way too hot outside to wear leather.

Instead I have shelled out the $83 Buck for the Electricity Jersey. A guy born in Croatia invented electricity so I think it makes sense.



Sounders end their drought today. 3-1

DomiNate is out, enter TheNatrix

"Kung Fu knows ME!"

I haven't been in a fight since college, but before last Sounders game I had to punk a drunk.

Here's what happened. Many of you know I have a tendancy to get grumpy/angry when I haven't eaten, when I get stuck in traffic, and when I'm late. My commute to the Sounders/Boca game was the perfect storm. GPS told me the drive from my office to QWEST would be 14 minutes. It took me an hour and ten. I told people to meet me at Sluggers so we could pound a couple beers. We are 20 minutes before game time, so people are everywhere. I'm walking at a brisk Nate pace, and I begin to pass a dude who is just standing there not moving. At the exact moment when I'm about to walk by, the guy throws his arm up and snaps his fingers directly in my face, making contact with my eye. Normally I do a good job of ignoring drunken behavior, but this time I couldn't let it slide. I immediately turn and shove the guy about five feet. Dude turns towards me in a drunken charge, and I take the impact and push him again. He charged me again with increased drunken aggression, but this time, instead of pushing him, I grabbed his arms, and using his momentum against him, I hurled his face directly into the pavement. As he rolled over I grabbed him by the throat and pinned him to the ground. I can't really remember what I yelled at the guy, but it drew the attention of his buddy and about twenty Sounders fans. As tempting as it was to punch the guy in the face, I figured the public shame in front of his friend and strangers was enough.

Who said this season was boring?!

Whine and Cheese - The Freddie Ljungberg Project

Sometimes I yell at referees when I'm playing soccer. Usually it's just yelling about a bad call, and then getting on with the game. But I'll be the first person to admit that on occasion, I've spent an entire game yelling at a referee for his sub-standard performance. What I've learned from these bouts of yelling is that it gets you nowhere. And if the same referee officiates one of your games in the future, you are even less likely to get favorable calls from him. Too bad I still yell at him. Which leads me to a discussion of the Sounder Dean of Douchebaggery, Freddie Ljungberg.

Freddie spent large portions of last year doing this - yelling at referees. Granted, none of us believes that the referees in MLS are consistently good. I'm sure that Freddie is used to much better refs from his earlier playing days, and containing his rage is not easy. But I wonder just how productive it is for Freddie, and the rest of his teammates, when he spends all 90 minutes telling the man in yellow exactly how he's screwing up. Too many MLS refs seem like the types to hold grudges. I know that if somebody came into my office and told me how I was screwing up, I would poop on the hood of their car ("What was that? I'm fired? Because I pooped on my boss's car? What's wrong with that?"). Turns out the Coach thinks he spends too much time yelling at refs too. But Freddie doesn't agree - he considers it a show of passion. He might be right. Appearances would suggest that Freddie is the most passionate man in MLS, but internationally, he's got some competition.

My personal favorite is Wayne Rooney. This is a man who gets his money's worth when he's yelling at referees. This picture doesn't do him justice. He's way too restrained. Last year, while playing at Fulham, ManU finally got a call to go their way in a game they were losing late, and Big Wayne picked up the ball and threw it at the referee as hard as he could. Fortunately for the referee, Wayne's aim was off and he instead hit his teammate. But he earned himself a red card anyway. If only he'd hit the ref.

Then there's Cristiano Ronaldo. I personally like Ronaldo because of his ability to display inner anguish. I've never seen a man who looks more likely to cry when a referee fails to give him a call. And when he pleads and begs for the referee to issue a card to the player who fouled him, Ronaldo literally looks as if he could burst into tears at any moment. By now you've probably realized that this post is just an excuse to post amusing pictures of players I generally don't like. But how can you resist this picture? Classic stuff. If this were basketball, Michael Jordan would take this as a sign of Ronaldo's incredible passion for the game and waste a lottery pick on him. We all knew Adam Morrison would suck in the NBA. Why couldn't Jordan figure it out?

The greatest single performance of yelling at a referee that I've ever seen? Michael Ballack in the Champions League a few years back. Somebody shoots in second half stoppage time, defender jumps to block the shot, and the ball strikes his arm. Maybe it's a handball, maybe not. But the ref doesn't give it. Ballack goes crazy because Chelsea needs a goal to draw level. He runs with the ref for 70 yards, screaming in his ear, bumping him for good measure. This was a personally satisfying event for me because Nathan roots for Chelsea, and I like to see them lose. Nathan of course sided with Ballack.

What's the takeaway? Apparently Freddie Ljungberg will continue to complain. And that would be okay, if he scored as many goals as Ronaldo or Rooney, or controlled a game from midfield the way Ballack could two years ago. Unfortunately, he doesn't do any of those things. And we'll have to suffer through his constant whining until he leaves, retires, or loses his passion for the game. It looks to me like he's rubbing off on Zakuani as well, which means we have at least four years of this crap to look forward to.

The New York Follow Up Post and San Jose Meditation

Apologies for not posting last week. After the 4-0 drubbing at the hands of LA, I wasn't sure I had the stomach to put something together in anticipation of the New York match. I actually didn't watch the New York match live as I was participating in that most patriotic of pastimes, beer pong.

On a side note, I spent a solid five minutes trying to figure out how to spell "pastime." Honestly, which of you can honestly say that you've seen the word in print? Or that you actually know the correct way to spell it? I first tried "pasttime," but it looks and feels wrong. So I tried "passtime," and again it feels wrong. Then I tried "passedtime," and it felt more wrong than a voluntary prostate exam. I considered making two words, but then went to the most reliable of sources, Wiktionary. And it says to spell it this way. Consider it your spelling lesson for the year.

On another side note, my team finished 2nd in the beer pong tournament. We were three cups away from winning $200. So unfortunate. I'm actually much better at beer pong than I thought I was. I think I developed the necessary ball touch in the last few years. Probably from spending so much time alone on my couch watching anime.

Anyway, after watching the New York game on tape, I don't know that I have anything positive or negative to say. I thought the effort was there. We created some chances, but not many. We allowed very few chances. And it took some magic for us to get the goal and the three points. Maybe it was karma, as we've lost so many points late in games this year. Maybe it's because there is so much parity in MLS that anybody can beat anybody at any time. Honestly, I don't care. I'll take three points anyway we can get them.

This weekend's game is against San Jose. Talk about not terrible anymore. San Jose finished last year with 30 points. Only 7 wins all year. In only 7 games this year, San Jose has 4 wins. They should be favored to win this game. But there are no redeeming qualities to San Jose. First, I believe Nate was born in or around San Jose. Strike 1. Second, the distribution of non-married single non-Hispanic whites over the age of 25 is shocking. 59% of those folks are men. That's a 60:40 male:female split in San Jose. All those computer programmers flocking to their Star Trek conventions just can't seem to find a mate. Strike 2 because they probably spent more money on their Star Trek uniforms than on a nice suit. And they have a sculpture that looks like a giant turd. And as California is prone to do, they dedicated it to a Mexican, Cesar Chavez. To be honest, this is probably not a strike in my book. But since naming a poo-shaped sculpture after a Mexican is only really funny to me, I guess I'll call this Strike 3.

With those three strikes and no positive factors to consider, we should easily destroy San Jose. Seattle Sounders 3 - Poop Sculptures 0.

The Las Angeles Preview

I will be in Las Vegas this weekend, and thus I will miss the game. But I can post a brief preview and hopefully spread knowledge and wisdom among our many followers. Minions, read on.

If you want to understand LA this year, you need to understand two things. First, they play solid defense. This is the result of solid coaching by Bruce Arena. I have it on a good source that after some initial struggles by his D last year, Bruce brought the guys into his office for some old fashioned coaching. Once they were all in the room, he challenged them all to pry from his chubby hands the delicious, dripping, meat ball sub. Predictably, Arena prevailed. But his players learned a valuable lesson - protect your goal the way Bruce Arena protects meatball subs. The result is that LA has only given up two (2) goals in six (6) games. LA defenders have actually bitten more opposing forwards in the run of play (four (4) of them, to date). If they have to bite anybody, I hope it's Brad Evans.

The second defining characteristic of LA this year is Edson Buddle. The much-traveled forward is in the middle of a crazy scoring streak right now. He's scored nine (9) goals already this year. I consider Edson Buddle to be the soccer equivalent of Kirstie Alley. Years ago, Kirstie Alley was HOT. I mean she was poster-material. Just look at that picture. I would sell a number of my vital organs for one night with that version of Kirstie Alley. Consider that picture to be Edson Buddle's current form - jaw dropping. But we all know Kirstie Alley for a different reason now. Because she's the only person alive who ever successfully took a meatball sub out of Bruce Arena's hands. That's right, look it up on Wikipedia. And this second picture is from the Oprah appearance where she explained the incident. Anyway, back to my point. Kirstie Alley once looked amazing, and that's how Edson Buddle looks now. But we all know that sooner or later, Kirstie Alley is going to gain 150 pounds and look like Jabba the Hutt's niece. Edson Buddle is not this good. He will regress to the mean. He will stop scoring ridiculous goals and start missing wide open chances, like he's always done. Hopefully, the Sounder defense reminds him what it's like to play a game and not score.

Vote for one of our own!

Rodney Greiling, who stands directly in front of Funk at Sounders games, is nominated for the Golden Scarf for May 22nd. Please follow the link and vote for him. It would add "Great Honor and Prestige" to our Section, 120. Do it. I did it. It felt good.

http://www.soundersfc.com/Matchday/Golden-Scarf/May-22.aspx

Kufo's Twente are Dutch Champions!!!!

It came down to the final game of the season in Holland. Two teams were in the running. Ajax, winners of 29 Dutch titles and 4 European Championships, and Twente Enschede, who had never won a title in club history. At the end of the day, both teams won their respective games, and Twente won out by one point.



Why should you care? One of Twente's most valuable players is joining the Sounders in July. After he represents Switzerland in the World Cup, Blaise Kufo will provide Seattle with a goal scoring ability we have never seen before. He scored over 100 goals for Twente, a team that never threatened for a title until his arrival.

Congrats to Kufo for finishing his career in Holland with a trophy, let's hope he brings one to Seattle next.

Sorry for my absence

So work has taken control of my life, and the little spare time I've had for soccer has been dominated by the EPL title race. Chelsea play Liverpool on Sunday and Wigan the following week. If they win out the are the Champions, otherwise it's another title for Man-chowder United.

The Sounders are playing exactly how I predicted at the begining of the season. Our lack of goals keeps teams in games, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, sometimes we draw. We all just need to cross our collective fingers and hope we're in a good position by July. The season doesn't truely begin until Kufo gets here.

So what will happen tomorrow against the Crew? I have no freakin idea, but of course I'll be in the stands yelling my head off.

May 1st - Columbus Crew

I haven't seen Columbus play this year, and I can't stand to think anymore about the way Seattle plays. So I'm going to focus today's post about Columbus on things that are only partially related to soccer.

First, if anybody is curious why Columbus has won the Supporter's Shield for the last two years (best record during the regular season), they only need to look to one man - Steven Lenhart. He is their not so secret weapon. What does he bring to the table? He's a superhero. That's what. In fact, he's the Greatest American Hero. Call this my version of hard-hitting investigative journalism. Look at these pictures. Can you honestly say that it's not the same person? I think this is just a bad job of trying to hide your identity. He could at least get a mask or something to cover his eyes, like Robin does. This is just ridiculous. It would have been too obvious had he signed with a team like Toronto that wore red. And if that team also wore capes? The tactical approach to a guy like this is simple - force him to land in small spaces. The Greatest American Hero always struggled to land. Don't give him wide open spaces to land in, and he'll spend the entire game crashing. Columbus will not score. Problem solved.

Another guy on this team is apparently trying to hide his identity, Frankie Hejduk. I can't think of a reason for Jeff Spicoli to try and conceal his true identity, but I think he's done a better job than the GAH. Take a look at these pictures. My guess is that Spicoli had a little bit of work done. Enough to make you doubt that it's him, but still enough of his original face for his mother to recognize him. If I had to guess, I would suggest that Spicoli got in trouble selling drugs. I guess playing soccer is a good way to hide yourself in this country, since outside of a few members of the media, nobody will know who the hell he is. If the rumors are correct, Spicoli first tried hiding in the NBA. He thought that playing in a league where everybody sold and used drugs would keep him anonymous. Unfortunately, and somehow defying explanation, the NBA still has fans. And some of them knew who he was. Hence the switch to soccer.

It didn't take long to figure out who Eddie Gaven really is. Beaky Buzzard. He did a poor job of trying to disguise himself. Unlike our previous two players, I have a good idea of why Beaky Buzzard is in hiding. Turns out that Beaky was running an underage escort service out of France. The operation never had any problems because it's customers were powerful men: Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac, Silvio Berlusconi, and Tony Danza. Those were just the ones everybody knew about. Several others were rumored to be involved: Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Mr. Rogers, even Bob Ross. But Beaky saw the leak in the hull before the ship started sinking. He started his second career many years ago, and sold off his interest in the escort service. Unfortunately, Beaky has lost a lot of weight.  Apparently, there is a lot of stress involved with hiding your identity. 

There is a simple lesson from all this about how we should feel about the Columbus Crew. I believe Jeff Spicoli said it best, when he said, "Those guys are fags!" 

What the Hell is going on?

I can't handle this anymore. Maybe I expect too much from the Sounders, but I can't handle taking 1 point from a possible 6 when playing on the road against two crappy teams. Bad penalties, bad turnovers, bad finishing, bad passing.... I can't handle it anymore.  I need a two day break from posting anything about soccer, or else I'm going to just rip players for no reason.

I will say that given the weather in yesterday's game, I'm happy that I decided not to travel to Toronto as an away game. Vindicates my concerns about going to the north pole during winter.

FC Dallas Preview

"Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?"
  Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - Full Metal Jacket


So, tonight SSFC takes on FC Dallas. A team that sucked until Jeff Cunningham caught fire in the second half of the season after Kenny Cooper got sold. If Cunningham scores, Dallas is okay. When he doesn't score, they lose. If this were a good blog, I would have statistics to back that up. But that requires time and energy. And this isn't a good blog. Suffice to say that if SSFC can keep Cunningham from running wild, they should be in position to win the game.


Let's be fair about one thing. FC Dallas has a big steer on it's logo. Which means that the players can only really be one thing. Golf ball through a garden hose, something along those lines.


There really isn't anything about Dallas that scares me. I think Hurtado and others should be able to deliver a shut-out. This game hinges on our ability to create and finish chances. From watching the Sounders FC game preview, I know that Arlo White thinks that Dallas pushes lots of guys into the attack. If that's true, we should be able to generate a number of counter-attack opportunities. Against RSL, we put one away. Tonight, I want to see two counter-attack goals.


My prediction is that tonight's key players are Zakuani and Ljungberg. I think both will score goals. I also think that SSFC may have more possession of the ball than they did against RSL. 


I'm picking with my heart and not my brain here, but the final score will be 3-1. SSFC will give up a goal late in the 2nd half because they aren't concentrating.

Sounders 3rd Jerseys Released

Tactically this makes sense. Edgar Davids is the only player I know of who is permitted to wear sunglasses on the field. The Opposition will be blinded, while all our players have to do is kick it at the brightness. Expect our passing percentage to increase at least 20%.

Yes they are obnoxious, but they're ours. Just like Barfalona fans defend their hideous PINK jerseys, we should do the same. Chelsea's third jersey has black and blue horizontal stripes, Wigan's is neon yellow with black. Shocking 3rd jerseys are a soccer tradition.

Final thought, 20 years from now you will be considered cool and old school if you have one of these.

You'll Fit Right In

CHUCKIE: Casey's bouncin' at a bar up at Harvard. We should go there sometime.
WILL: What are we gonna do up there?
CHUCKIE: I don't know, we'll f**k up some smaht kids. You'd prob'ly fit right in.

And so begins the career of one Michael Fucito.

Maybe for the first time in his life, Michael Fucito gets to take all those equations on the walls of the bars at Harvard and channel them into a glorious moment. No longer can the kids from Southie try to mess with him. Even Will Hunting can’t match the big balls on Michael Fucito.

After 90 minutes of rock solid defense, especially from the back four, the Sounders faced the ultimate disappointment. The ultimate tease. The ultimate side hug. A potential 0-0 tie.

Steve Zakuani failed to do much of anything. Apparently actually running simply tires him out, so he stops after about 20 minutes or so. Meanwhile underwear model Freddie Ljunberg decided to play like garbage as he repeatedly trapped like a Trapper Keeper without Velcro. Which means there wasn’t much trapping my friends.

The best chance of the match inevitably was called back by a horrific referee (despite the accuracy of this particular call) for cheating (offsides). I find that if you don’t cheat, you tend to not get called for it. Just a thought.

Oh you know what? I don’t miss Nate Jaqua. Just wanted you to know that I don’t miss giant players who can’t head the ball and have no ability at their feet in spite of our inability to score last game. He can live on an island with Josh Wolff for the rest of his life for all I care.

Which leads me to Josh Wolff.

I don’t really have a reason to hate him per se. Yet I somehow do actually despise him. It could be the fact that when he was a hot young striker, this Spanish announcer would say, “Josh WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLFFFFFFFF” in hilarious fashion. Somehow that stuck with me and then Josh Wolff didn’t live up to my early expectations. So I learned to hate him. I tried to mock him with a National Team jersey as in he would never see it again, but I just couldn’t be heard over the Sounder faithful. It was just too difficult. Hey, I am just like Steve Zakuani. Awesome.

And all this occurred during the Sounder 0-0 staring contest through 90 minutes.

Until….

Henry Lipkin: Now, no more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.

Michael Fucito! WTF.

http://www.mlssoccer.com/content/fucito-scores-stoppage-time-winner-seattle

Kansas City Wizards Preview

"I was trying to smile but it was the smile of desolution. Inside, I felt only the pity and the terror and the waste of it all. Everyone I had ever loved, and who ever loved me - all gone... all gone down..."
                Sam Neill as Merlin in "Merlin" - an Epic 2-Part Made for TV Movie from 1998

This Saturday's game brings Kansas City to Seattle to face our beloved Sounders. Last year, this game was a laugher. Seattle was poised to win by 2 or 3 goals. Let's face it. Any team that depends on Josh Wolff (the second F is silent) to score its goals is doomed to fail. Then Kasey Keller got a red card, and Seattle played 65 minutes with 10 men, and ended up losing on a great shot by Davy Arnoud. Talk about bummers.


We play KC the same time this year as last year, on Matchday 4, and we get them at home again. But this time around, KC rolls into Seattle having won their first 2 games, scoring 5 goals, and conceding none. KC is arguably on a hot streak. Both those victories came at home, and 4 of those goals came against DC United, who couldn't score on Aurora right now. So what should we expect from KC?

Honestly? Who the hell knows. It looks like KC has several new faces, and apparently is playing a more attacking brand of soccer. But teams that come to Qwest tend to pack it in and look for counter-attacking opportunities. Maybe KC's new Bollywood sensation Sunil Chhetri will play significant minutes and show why everybody on the sub-continent is excited about his MLS regular season debut.


Ultimately, I hope these Wizards feel a lot like The Wizard, Merlin, when the game is over. I want them to feel like everybody they've ever known and loved is gone. I want Sounders to take the game by the scrote from the start and put in a few goals in the first half. That way, the second half can be a party in the stands. I predict a 2-0 Sounder victory, with both goals coming in the 1st half. And let's be honest, you're never going to see me predict a Sounder loss on here.

In other news. B Els is having a baby shower on Saturday evening after the game. As of this moment, 41 people have RSVP'd. 41 people! If he took his baby shower to an FC Dallas game, it would instantly double attendance! If he went to a Chivas home game, they would thank him for the patronage with a pinata and a few chili peppers to induce labor! But I digress. Let's all take a moment to congratulate B Els for his impending fatherhood, and make sure he knows that no matter what happens, he can always bring his infant child to the tailgate if he can't find a babysitter. We love you B!

RSL Post Game Review

Luis was MIA for the pre game and did not respond to my texts all day. I'm guessing he is in Guatamala trying to convince Carlos Ruiz to sign for us. Until he gets back and watches the game on DVR, you will have to rely on my drunken angry analysis.

First off, I'll pat my own back for calling our counter attack goal. Sadly, my Natestrodamus skills end there.

In the 11th minute Montero did well to play Zakuani in on goal from about forty yards out. His goal wasn't exactly clinical, but I will gladly accept any goals Sounders can get.

Luis jinxed Brad Evans by praising his performances so far. He was directly responsible for RSL's first goal by failing to follow his man on a cross. The result was an uncontested header within the six yard box which was scored.

RSL controlled most of the game, until Sounders regained the lead off of a Tyrone Marshall header in the 70th minute. With our defense, that should have been enough to win the game.

I don't remember too much of the last twenty minutes of the game beyond the fact that RSL dominated posession. Already angry at our performance, I got distracted by an arguement about national health care. Not that there is anything wrong with Sweden, but I would much rather live in the good old USA. I also remember us giving up another open header for Real Sandy to tie it up. Why Sigi didn't put someone on both goal posts is beyond me. When Liverpool doesn't protect the posts its hilarious, when Seattle doesn't, it is infuriating.

A draw on the road against the MLS Champions sounds good on paper, but at the end of the day, this is a game we could have had. We'll take the point, and hopefully we will improve our defense on set pieces.

RSL PREVIEW

OK, so Luis and I need to get the routine down a little better. Here is a last second look at what we should expect today.

RSL are the reigning MLS Champions, and this will be their first home game of the season. They will be receiving their fancy rings in front of a big crowd who are eager to welcome them back.

In their first game of the season they beat the crap out of San Jose on the road. That's not saying much, the Earthquakes are shite. They went on to play Houston, took the lead, then gave up two penalties in the span of two minutes to lose 2-1. Overall, they played a much better game than the Dynamo.

What can we expect from them? A ton of confidence and a lot of attacking ability.

What can we expect from the Sounders? A ton of defense and a lot of questions in attack. Pat Noonan will likely get his first start. With all the offense RSL generates we have a good shot of getting a goal on the counter attack.

Sooner or later Sounders will get their break out scoring game. Let's hope its today.

Prediction, 3-1 Sounders

Nub's Nuggets

As a brief introduction, I am an old friend of Luis's and an old nemesis of Nate's from the early formative years of our lives. I also stand next to them at Qwest every match (well, I tend to miss some matches due to various reasons) as a season ticket holder.

Let me give you a quick synopsis of my soccer experience. At age six, I played soccer for College Place (sounds professional I know) in the Edmonds area, but only actually played on the field because my dad was the coach. He liked to yell at refs and get thrown out of games which proved to be of no help whatsoever. By the age of 11, I retired from soccer. Or so I thought. I returned as a 14 year old to help the Villa/OLL combined supersquad take CYO glory only to be foiled by good players leaving our team to go play with better teams. I never understood and never forgave those players, especially Luis. Lastly, I scored a goal and had an assist in a P.E. championship match at Lower Woodland in high school. As you can see, I am quite an eficianado.

Luis asked me to write occasionally on his blog with seven readers so I decided to puruse the Sounders website for something to start me off. That is where I found Nub's Nuggets. Phenomenol stuff. Cliff McCrath, along with the ageless wonder known as Tony Ventrella, break down the week that is Sounders between games. While Cliff McCrath received a Golden Scarf (not to be confused with showers), won 597 matches and 5 championships as a coach, his nuggets of knowledge do not amaze me. Let's start with the quote of the week: "There is no devine right to scoring". Yes, soundersfc.com spelling divine wrong. Nice work. You had one quote to get right all week long and you blew it. Kind of like Freddie Ljungberg in the box. That's what she said. I digress.

The real nuggets involved these two tips for the Sounders this week. #1 - cross the ball so the keeper does not catch it. Incredible stuff. #2 - more precise passing, as in complete passes. Wow. I feel like we received some real wisdom here.

So as you all (the seven of you) prepare for this week's match with the Real Salt Lake Douchecopters, look for the Sounders to try and complete more passes and cross the ball better. This may lead to scoring. Amazing.

New and Improved Red Bull ANALysis

Before I get started - a tip. Do not, under any circumstance, google search James Riley without having Google filter out the adult content.


I watched the game again last night, and I have more complete opinions now. James Riley was AWFUL. He gave up possession on bad passes no less than 20 times, and on most of those passes he wasn't under any pressure. I'm going to chalk it up to his suspension and it being his first game of the season. Also, I think he was hurt some in training camp. That would explain why he doesn't seem to be in shape yet. He was not his usual exuberant self. So I think he's going to improve over the next few games, and by the time May rolls around, I won't have to single him out as somebody who played poorly.

Our boy Chewy also played poorly. Here's what I saw - a guy who just doesn't understand the game the same way everybody else does. His passes are a second too late, his touch is bad, and he doesn't really add anything to the attack or the defense. I'm going to stand by my opinion that Levesque is not a starter under any circumstance. He's probably okay coming off the bench because then everybody is tired and too slow to punish his bad decisions. But he shouldn't start again. Pat Noonan made a big difference when he came on. He made the right side of the field useful. He was able to hold possession, he made several smart passes, and if Montero had passed him the ball in the 75th minute when he was standing alone in front of goal, Noonan probably would have scored in his debut. But Montero hogged it, shot while falling backwards, and a defender easily blocked it.


Who played well? Alonso played well. He was all over the field and was involved in just about everything. Until late in the game, his passing was smart and effective. Zakuani also played well, and was probably about 6 inches from scoring on two of his shots.

Ultimately, nobody is surprised to see us struggle to score in this game. Finishing plagued us before and there's no reason that it won't plague us this year - albeit hopefully it is less of an issue. I think the biggest mistake in this game, however, was made by Sigi Schmid when he chose to start Levesque (sorry Sigi, acting like you didn't know he was bad isn't an excuse).


I hope that next week's game sees a lineup in which Noonan starts on the wing or up front with Montero. I think Ljungberg is most effective on the outside when he can operate in space - which is, incidentally, where he's played his entire life before coming to Seattle.


Also, a guarded apology on my part. I've ripped Brad Evans on countless occasions for his inability to know what's going on beyond what is right in front of him. In the first two games of the season, he has played MUCH better. His trapping and passing have been noticeably better, and his field awareness is much improved. Kudos to Brad Evans. Keep proving me wrong, big guy.

Angry Nate's Tale on the Game (2nd attempt)

Damn it Chewie!!! GROW YOUR HAIR BACK!!!!!!! Sampson's strength was in his curls, yours was in your creepy pirate style facial hair. Your nickname is Chewie, as in Chewbacca, you idiot. Enjoy your time on the bench until it all grows back. Until then you are Blewbacca. (analysis, he played REEEAAALLLY bad)

OUR STRIKERS ARE MIDGETS!!! Quit chipping the ball to their heads. Our current squad is built around speed and passing it on the ground. MLS defenders are known for their size. Until Jaqua gets back and Kufo arrives an arial game won't be affective.

On the bright side, Noonan had a good game. He was well received by the fans (including the Noonan I brought with me), and seemed to link up well with Lhungeberg. Expect him to start over Blewie this week.

Other good news, our defense played well defensively. (poorly on attack. I'm lookin' at you Riley)Holding the 1-0 scoreline gave a chance to salvage a point, we just didn't take advantage.

Even more good news, we know what the problem is, and we fixed it. We just have to be patient. Noonan should help provide goals until our big ticket striker gets here from Holland. Blaise Kufo, which is Swahili for MLS Champion, will arrive in Seattle after World Cup. His team Twente Enschede is in first place, and he just scored another goal on Saturday.

Posting and Commenting Advice

Perhaps the most irritating thing in the history of the internet is writing a big well thought out insightful awesome post/comment, only to hit submit and find out you haven't signed in. That just happened to me for the third time as i submitted my post about the NY game. So a word of advice, copy what you post/comment before you submit it. Damn thats annoying.

Red Bull Review

Shit. Frustrating game. Not much else to say. At least the tailgate went well. Stupid Bouna and Kandji.

Red Bulls Preview

"No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet."


Danny Donahue - Role Models


"She let me keep it after I fucked her."


Wheeler - Role Models


Did you know that after last week's game, the organization that reviews performances by referees determined that our refs made a bad off-sides call, and robbed Nyassi of a goal? Do you know what else they robbed us of? Free haircuts. Yes. 3 goals = free haircuts. That ref owes me one haircut. And a rinse, because I don't want to go home and shower afterwards. Do your job. Ass.


I don't know what to make of NYRB. They looked decent in their opener beating Chicago 1-0, but it's hard to gauge what they will really be like from that one game. First game in a new stadium, under a new coach, and on a grass surface that is a 6522% improvement over the Meadowlands turf where they used to play. So was their performance the result of a renewed sense of optimism? Or was it the result of an improved squad?


Who really knows. Here's what I do know. I love donuts. I love bacon. I love guacamole. And NYRB won't be as easy to beat as they were in last year's opener, when SSFC embarrassed NYRB 3-0 without the services of Freddie Ljungberg. Oh, and NYRB has a new goalie - they no longer have Danny "Pizza Face" Cepero in the net.


Two big differences for NYRB. First, they have a new coach who seems to actually know how to coach. That alone should make them more difficult to score on. Second, they have a new player from Estonia who seems to be a good player - Joel Lindpere. That name doesn't seem very Estonian to me - that name sounds Swiss to me. Did you know that in 2000, the country of Luxembourg drank more liters of beer per person than any other country in the world? Amazing.


Back to the point. I don't really know how this game is going to play out. But if Freddie Ljungberg can play, I think SSFC will control possession. Whether they generate and finish scoring chances is the big question. 


I am pessimistic about most things in my life, but not about the Sounders. So I'll go with a scoreline of 2-1, with Zakuani scoring the second goal.


Now on to important matters. Saturday's tailgate looks to be interesting. Weather looks terrible. We'll be under the loud-as-hell viaduct again, but maybe we'll actually stay dry that way. I can't wait until we actually get to tailgate in the sunshine.

More DPs on the Way - Who Do You Want Now

I'll take the chance that this isn't just an April Fool's joke, and post that MLS has decided to allow team to sign up to three Designated Players. Seattle will probably make use of this new rule to bring in another big name player. And I know who I want. Juan Roman Riquelme.


Don't let the sexually suggestive photograph fool you, this guy is still interested in playing soccer. Riquelme is a big guy who plays as an attacking central midfielder and can create as well as maintain possession. Get Brad Evans out of the lineup and put Riquelme in. 


This new development takes me one step closer to being right about NYRB signing Thierry Henry once the World Cup is over. With another DP slot, NYRB can bring in Henry and not worry about having to convince Henry to accept a huge pay cut to fit under the salary cap.

Raise your hands (or comment) if you read this blog!

Luis being Luis recently so much as fired me from posting for Sounder Waves. Why would he do such a thing, you ask!? Well I'll tell ya. I dared mention that no one actually reads this thing, and it is merely a public platform for him to ramble on for way to many paragraphs about tactics that not even the players understand, while I am trying to provide something a little less ANALytical, and a little more fun.

It is an epic power struggle that stems back to the age of 5, when Luis violated my turf by moving in across the street from me. He will tell you I stole his toys. I will tell you he stole my baseball cards, in High School. He will tell you I broke his arm, I will tell you he broke his own stupid arm by jumping in to me. He went with prep, purple, and liverpool. I went Blanchet, COUGS, and Chelsea. He did England, I did France, you get the idea.

So I have one request before Luis deletes my posting powers. If you read and don't comment, get your comment on! If you get your comment on, get your comment on again!

Next up- New Jersey Red Balls

Last year, Sounders FC opened up the season with a 3-0 win over the MLS Cup runner's up. Two goals from Montero and a third from Brad Evans got us off to a great start. This time around, New York is getting a lot of hype because of their new stadium and coach. Don't believe the hype! They are still crap, and nothing but a win will do this Saturday.

So here is the question- What is the lamest thing about the Red Bulls franchise? Is it the fact that their entire name/identity is tied to an energy drink that gives you a worse hang over than alcohol? Maybe you think its a bit pozerous to claim New York when they are from New Jersey? Maybe you are pissed that they only averaged 12,000 fans last year?

Also- Please include any ridiculously rude or catchy insults for their players!

Share your thoughts below...

It's Pat.... Noonan!

"You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make $14 the hard way?"
                Al Czervik - Caddyshack

How many obvious jokes can we make with this guy's name? I'll limit myself to a Caddyshack quote, but not one involving Danny Noonan.

So Pat Noonan is on trial with the Sounders. Noonan was formerly with the Columbus Crew, and prior to that he was a long-time contributor with the New England Revolution. No word yet on whether or not he's going to get signed to the roster, so for now all we can do is speculate. But I think there are two points to be made from him even being in camp. And I'll make them together.

A guy like Pat Noonan gets a trial with Seattle because Sigi is not entirely comfortable with the options he currently has at outside midfield and forward. That means that Jaqua is probably out indefinitely (they are not sure what's wrong with his groin or how to make it better - I think the problem is that he has a vagina instead of a penis), and that Sigi doesn't think that guys like Estrada, Chewy, Nyassi and Souter are capable of being everyday players.

I do not think that Chewy or Nyassi are everyday players. Nyassi is the posterchild for ADHD, hyperactive hypoglycemic. He can't sit still, and he can't stop running everywhere at full speed. Guys like that often find themselves out of position. Chewy just can't cut it for 70 minutes. He needs to come in when everybody else is tired, and his poor first touch won't get punished the way it does when everybody else's legs are as fresh as his.

Souter, well, we haven't seen much of him other than the Portland friendly. I wasn't impressed. That leaves Estrada, the top draft pick. If we're looking at Noonan, then apparently Estrada hasn't made Sigi comfortable enough to start him.

Miguel Montano is a bit of a wild card here, but I don't think he's going to play much until the SSFC starts competing in CONCACAF Champions League play later this summer.

I think Noonan would be a good signing. He is a solid all-around player who can score and do the dirty work. He's not going to solve our scoring problems. But he should be able to stabilize the right midfield position and make the job his. Hopefully, we won't really need him to play up front, but he can do that also. Overall, this move makes a lot of sense because it adds depth at the two places we need it. I think Sigi will sign him, and at the end of the year we'll consider his addition a smart one.

2-0 Means (Le) Toux Bad for Philly

I wasn't exactly right about the scoreline, but I would have been had Chewy finished his sitter in the first half. 2-0 is just alright with me, but 4-0 would have been even more just alright than Jesus. I'm not interested in a deep philosophical breakdown of the game, because Philly is awful and the conditions weren't ideal. But here are my thoughts:

1. We may still struggle to score goals until Kufo arrives
2. The defense still looks solid
3. Zakuani may be ready to live up to the hype
4. This team can get a lot better going forward

So we blew some opportunities. Happened last year, happened this year. At least we got enough to take three points. So I'm not going to sweat the poor finishing just yet. But it's on my radar.

The D - good performance. But they weren't really tested beyond the first 10 minutes of the game. Philly showed some decent ball control early, and it culminated in a shot on goal by Orozco, but Keller was well positioned and the shot was under enough pressure that it never really was very dangerous. After Sounders got the opening goal, they settled down and controlled the game. Even if they didn't have the ball, the D made sure that Philly's possession never amounted to opportunities on goal.

Zakuani tormented his defenders all night. And he found somebody with his crosses, which is progress for him. I still want to see him make the decision to run at defenders more quickly, so he takes advantage of the space behind them before other defenders move into supporting positions. But I also want a pair of soft leather knee-high boots. We can't have everything we want (I'll settle for a dark green cape, if anybody has one). At my most pessimistic, I can say that Zakuani's defender wasn't very good. But even in this mindset, I must admit that he took advantage of his man. Last year, even when playing against slower defenders, Zakuani often struggled to make an impact on the game. Not the case this time around.

SSFC looked good. This was a workmanlike performance in some pretty bad conditions. They got two goals, they got out with a clean sheet, and the only injuries were the result of Philly's strange knee-to-the-back fetish. They didn't look dominating, and that's fine. It's early in the season. The way SSFC played, there is plenty of room for growth. The passes and touches will get crisper and sharper, and fitness levels will improve. Ultimately, I think we're going to see Seattle be able to play creative attacking soccer this year that results in goals, not just clever interplay 40 yards from net.

The Opener - Philly Union suck balls that are smooth as eggs

"So it begins, the great battle of our time."
              Gandalf - Return of the King

So here we are. Match 1 of Season 2 of SSFC. And our opponent is almost a complete unknown. Who knows what the hell to expect from Philly. A glance at their roster (and reading what others are saying) suggests that Philly will be a hard-working, defensive minded squad. If you're starting guys like Le Toux, I have to believe that's the truth. There are no real scary attacking players on their roster, just a bunch of annoying pests and guys who are really too inconsistent to be much of a legitimate scoring threat.

Which leaves me with only one option - to write an entire post about what I hope to see from the game. To start with, ball control. We struggled with it at times last year. The roster hasn't turned over, and the guys should be better able to link up and play as a team. I want to see us dominate possession against the Union, who are likely to pack it in and hope for a counter attack goal.

I also want to see us score the chances we get. If Montero gets a wide open look in the opening 20 minutes and blows it, I think you're going to hear a lot of moans and groans from the crowd, who will feel like we're picking things up right where they left off last year. If we can get an early goal, then the crowd will go nuts, and I think the Union will have to come out of their shell, making for a much more entertaining game. My guess is we create a few good chances in the opening 20 - I want to see one go in.

Additionally, I do not want to see the defensive flukes that plagued us at times last year. They always seemed to involve Tyrone Marshall. Whether it's whiffing on a clearance, or clearing a ball off a teammate, or not expecting a crazy bounce, SSFC defenders need to make sure that Philly gets no cheap and easy goals. If we can make them earn their goals, I think we handle them easily.

My prediction for the game:
      4-0 Sounders

Make it happen boys.

Crisis Averted- Now it's up to the fans

MLS owners and the players union finally came to terms yesterday, signing a new 5 year collective bargaining agreement. Sounders will kick off this Thursday against Philadelphia at 630pm.

So here is a brief recap of what they were arguing about. Players were looking for a higher league minimum wage, a greater ability to switch from club to club, and guaranteed contracts. Ownership wanted to maintain control over player movement, length of contracts, and a lower overall salary cap.

MLS players wanted the same rights players receive abroad, while the owners (who have lost millions since MLS inception) wanted to be more conservative. Toronto FC and SOUNDERS FC are the only two profitable teams in MLS.

But why were the players and owners put in this position? It all comes down to certain markets not giving their club enough support. I have proposed on various soccer blogs that if a club can not average 15,000 fans this year then they should be relocated.

COLUMBUS CREW- 14,175 might sound pretty close to the mark, but keep in mind they were the returning MLS Champions from 2008. Not good enough.

COLORADO RAPIDS- 13,018. They had a competitive team, a soccer specific stadium (SSS), and are in a major metro area.

NEW YORK RED BULLS- 12,744. Pretty sad for the second biggest market in America. The good news here is they are opening a new SSS this season, which should significantly increase their numbers.

NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION- 12,427 fans a game. Absolutely terrible. Boston is a great sports town, and a lot of fans attend US National Team games. They will never get a SSS until they can boost their fan base.

SAN JOSE- 10,329, yuk. They have been relocated once before (Houston Dynamo), and I would hate to see this team go again. But the truth is, they are holding the league back.

KANSAS CITY WIZARDS- 10,053 fans a game. This one I understand, the only people who cheer for wizards don't have an athletic bone in their body. THey are a money pit to begin with, but allowing them to build a SSS only makes it worse. Give them one more year and relocate them to Montreal.

FC DALLAS- 9,883. This only fuels my hatred for all things Texas (sorry Andy). Dallas has a major metro area, a SSS, a local rivalry, a large latino market, and a team that was one game away from making the playoffs.

CONGRATS to our SOUNDERS averaging 31,203. LA GALAXY with 20,827. TORONTO FC with 20,344.

So what do you think? Is 15,000 fans for each team realistic? Would a different city be more deserving?

Sounders sign Blaise N'Kufo

"Johnny Inkslinger found a dog lying in the street dead
He was shot with a BB gun
He was BB'ed to death
Good news
Good news
Good news
Good news is rock 'n' roll"


             Wesley Willis - Good News is Rock & Roll
      (Pictured at Right - If that's N'Kufo we're all screwed)


I do not believe Wesley Willis knew it at the time, but when he penned these auspicious words several years ago, he was portending the ultimate destruction of MLS by SSFC in 2010.  I only wish I could find the words to effectively convey the magnitude of the signing of Swiss National Team target man Blaise N'Kufo.


Before we move on, let's be clear. It's spelled "N K U F O." Not Nfuko. I've seen that mistake all over the place, and quite frankly I'm tired of lazy journalists taking stabs at the proper spelling of the man's name. If there's one thing a journalist should get right, it's the spelling of a person's name. So I checked it on Wikipedia, and of course, they say his name is spelled differently. What the hell do I know. Who really cares, we all know who we're talking about here. Moving on...


I love this move. People will criticize it because they don't know much about this guy, or because he's old (34). But when you look at what he does well (or I should say when you read about what he does well, because, let's be honest, none of us have ever seen him play), this move makes a lot of sense for Seattle. N'Kufo is a target man. He's 6'2 and strong. He wins headers, he maintains possession, and he scores goals. To me, that sounds like a lot of the stuff we wanted Fredy Montero to do last year. And some of it he did do. He just wasn't very consistent about it. Which is fine, he's 21 years old. We can't expect Montero to be Pele yet. Which is why N'Kufo's size and consistency will make a tremendous impact. The man scored consistently for the last five years in Holland. If he can finish half the chances that Montero wasted last year, he'll end the season with 10 goals.

N'Kufo won't be amazing us with his speed or incredible technical ability. Honestly, I'm fine with that. In MLS, technical ability gets you fouled repeatedly, and it all amounts to nothing more than a lot of bruises unless there's somebody on your team that can take advantage of your skills. And now SSFC has that. Now, when Freddie Ljungberg cuts through the defense with a great pass, or when he creates some space with the ball at his feet and creates a scoring opportunity in the box, N'Kufo AND Montero will be there to finish it. I think we're going to see a marked increase in the number of goals SSFC scores once N'Kufo joins the team in July. Let's just hope they are well position by that point in the season to take advantage of N'Kufo's skills.


And one last thing. With the rumors that Thierry Henry is coming to the league this year after the World Cup (mostly unsubstantiated, but I would not be surprised to see it happen), SSFC had a legitimate risk of losing one of their grumpiest, drunkest, and least rational fans. Our friend Dan would have no choice but to become a fan of whatever team Henry joined, since he's had an uncontrollable crush on the man for some time. Now, with a guy like N'Kufo, Dan should be able to easily transfer his crush to a SSFC player, and thereby guarantee that his allegiance does not stray.


In October of 2010, when SSFC is 8 points clear of the 2nd place team in the Western Conference, we'll look back on this signing and praise the all-knowing SSFC front office. Until then, somebody start emailing Dan pictures of this guy.

Away Games Worth Attending

I just read Grant Wahl's CNN.SI piece on the new Red Bull Stadium in New York. You can find that here. I read the article and it's forcing me to seriously consider if I decide to head out east to watch the Sounders play this year.

One of my biggest regrets about last year was that I did not attend a road game. Perhaps it was for the best as Seattle tended to perform poorly on the road. However, MLS has a number of soccer specific stadiums (SSS, for the uninitiated) that would be fun to see. I'm thinking mostly of The Home Depot Center, where LA and Chivas play. With Scott and Sam and a few other friends living in the LA area, I figured that the trip to SoCal would have been a fun one. But as you can see from the picture, there isn't really anything around the Home Depot Center. It's not located in a major downtown area and it's not near any bars. There appears to be ample room for tailgating, so I can't complain much. But I would like to have the option of hitting up a few bars after the game, especially if Sounders managed to win the game. So while the HDC is a great stadium for soccer, I think some of the peripherals may be lacking.

I've only been impressed by one other SSS and that's Toronto's BMO Field. Unfortunately, Sounders played Toronto in April last year, when I believe, accounting for wind chill, it was -262 degrees during the game. Toronto's stadium and atmosphere seem incredible, and the stadium is located in the downtown area. Toronto is on the map. Throw in the fact that I've never been there, and it's supposedly the home of the best nightlife in Canada - oh, and that we should beat them easily - and I think a trip up north may be in the cards in the coming seasons. I suppose I'll just have to wait and look at the schedules and see when we play at BMO Field during the summer. We play them on April 25th, so I don't think I'll be making the trip this year.

Which leads me to the linked article. Red Bull Arena may have gone to the top of my list for away games. The article does a great job of explaining things, but I'll summarize. It's a grass field, in a part of town with several bars and restaurants, and is (taking into consideration that it's NY) pretty accessible via mass transit. I know people in NY, but I don't think any of them live in the city, and I don't know that any of them want to put me up for three days while I'm in town. The game is May 15th, so perhaps the weather will be nice but not too humid. And unless NYRB makes an incredible turn-around this year after their nearly historic poor season (which is possible - I don't really know anything about their new coach or their new players), we should be able to go to NY and see a Sounders victory. I don't know if they'll fill the stadium with energetic and rabid supporters, but that will leave better seats for me to choose from. The stadium design sounds amazing and very un-MLS in that the club chose to optimize the stadium for soccer and not for other things (like concerts - many MLS SSS have stages at one end to improve their quality as a concert venue).

Hopefully I make some money this year, because the away game at NYRB is one I really want to see this year.

Everybody Hates Portland

Or at least they should. Our neighbor to the south is the meth capital of the US, and will always be our less successful older brother. Portland was an established US city before Seattle made a name for itself. But Portland rested on its early successes, and Seattle quickly passed it by in both economic and international significance.

So it should come as no surprise that our bitter neighbors to the south hate us. They hate us with a passion that can only be likened to an older brother who is forced to watch a younger sibling become bigger, stronger, faster, better looking, thinner, and more successful. The spite and bitterness generated in Portland could provide enough energy to power Wichita, if only somebody knew how to harness them. Somebody from Seattle will probably figure it out soon.

I think this sibling rivalry is going to play out very well in MLS. Seattle already looks down on Portland the way UW looks down on The University of Oregon (despite Oregon's recent dominance over UW, we UW fans remain well aware of Oregon's proper place in the world - underneath it). Already there were crowd issues at the Portland-Seattle US Open Cup match last year, with a Seattle supporter apparently being escorted out of the stadium (and apparently being hog-tied? Dan, Kelly, you were there, can you confirm that?). And we'll get an early chance to revisit this rivalry in early March, when Seattle hosts Portland in a Community Shield match with all proceeds going to charity.

So what can we expect from this game? I hear that the seating will be entirely GA, so a $10 ticket can buy you a front row seat if you get there early enough. But this also means (potentially) no enforced separation of Portland and Seattle fans. Could this lead to violence in the stands? Personally, I don't think so, but who knows. People may be very drunk by kick off, increasing the odds of violence quite a bit.

This all leads me to wonder - is Portland the better rival for Seattle? Should it be Vancouver? Personally, I think Portland is the better rival, mostly because I've learned to hate Oregon for it's ugly college football uniforms, stupid speed limits, and an unreasonable desire to declare itself the official capital of ____ in the US (Soccer Town USA, Microbrew Capital of the USA, you name it). Vancouver is way too concerned with breaking into people's cars to name itself much of anything. So that's my vote. Let's all join together and hate Portland. Who's with me?